I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
