I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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