I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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