Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
