I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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