just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
