So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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