When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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