Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
