Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
