I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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