i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
