Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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