paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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