well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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