I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
