she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
