I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize