Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
