So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I love you. Go after that dick
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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