Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm just crazy horny about you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
