I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
