I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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