I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
