WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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