Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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