Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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