At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
