is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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