Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
barbara walters just said penis...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
