I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the condom got lost in my hair
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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