the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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