alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
