If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
