the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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