Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
