i just had sex bonerless
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
