Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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