I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
