I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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