I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Mom said you looked used
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
