3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
