he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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