i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
