Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
