i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
pop tarts are not kleenex
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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