Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
