I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
