my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And then he peed in my hair
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