It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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