Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
