he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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