3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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