I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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