I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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