I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize