Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
