At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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