Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
