im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everclear isn't food dammit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
